David Cameron, Prime Minster of Great Britain
Mr Cameron, you gave a speech this week in Munich
Yes, thank you, I know.
Go down well?
Very pleased with it. Yes. The Germans seemed to love it.
And the home crowd?
I should think so, yes.
I was wondering, could you talk us through it?
Well, I thought I was very clear.
Oh very well. Well, basically, what I said was, there are two types of muslims in the world, right?. You’ve got your wrong muslims and your right muslims. And I want to make something very clear, Brian, right from the outset, and that is that I love right muslims.
Oh indeedy yes I do, very much so. Love them to bits, Brian. They are a peaceful, loving bunch of folk who can marry my daughter, should she happen to meet one of them at her private school.
And wrong muslims?
Hate them. Hate them. Can’t stand them. Basically, they’re the worst thing in the world. You know – you know when you go out to get the paper in the morning, barefoot, first thing before the coffee - and you tread in doggie doo, and it goes right up between the toes?
Worse than that, even, your average wrong muslim. Just terrible.
I see. But how do you tell a right muslim from a wrong muslim?
Oh that’s easy. A wrong muslim blows people up.
And a right muslim?
Doesn’t blow people up. Of course.
Well of course it is, it’s the opposite, isn’t it? If you’re blowing things up you’re a right muslim and if you’re not you’re a wrong – no wait, I got that wrong – if you’re -
But what if they’re going to blow things up but haven’t yet?
Well for cases too close to call, we go to the third umpire.
Yes, he sits in his booth and watches the video, and tells how far away they were from the bomb, which way they were swinging and so forth.
And declares if they’re right or wrong?
Aren’t you afraid that some people might get right muslims confused with wrong muslims?
No, see, I said very clearly in my speech that we must never confuse the two. Ever. That would be wrong.
Do people confuse the two?
Oh all the time, Brian. All the time.
Well, the right, for one. As I said in the speech, Brian, you’ve got the right out there saying that all right muslims are wrong.
Which is wrong?
Absolutely wrong, Brian. The right is very wrong on this matter.
Well, you’ve got the left, Brian, who say that all wrong muslims are right.
And you’re not saying either?
Right. Because that would be wrong.
But is it possible, Mr Cameron, for a right muslim to go wrong?
Absolutely it is. Yes. Which was the main point of my speech. At any moment, Brian, at any given moment, a right muslim can go wrong.
By listening to a wrong muslim.
But wouldn’t they know that muslim was wrong, being right muslims?
Ah, no, you see, Brian, this is where the wrong muslims are very clever. Some of them are pretending to be right muslims.
They’re wrong pretending to be right to trick right into wrong?
Right. And of course, some of the right ones are pretty close to wrong any way.
So they’re between wrong and right?
Right. They’re in the middle.
So they’re moderate?
No, the moderates are right. The wrong ones are in the middle. Keep up, son.
And if the right ones go to the middle?
Then they can go all wrong.
So how far to the middle can they go?
Before they’re wrong?
Difficult to say, really. But I can usually tell. It’s an instinct you get.
Is that the basis of a policy?
Oh, no, for the policy, well, we’ll, I guess, we’ll just draw a line down the middle. Right down the middle.
And everything right of the middle is –
Wrong! That’s right!
Right. This seems very confusing.
Well, it’s very easy for us in Britain.
Because it’s so much more simpler than our politics.
What’s happened there?
Well, we put the right and the left next to each other...
On the right. And then we threw out the middle, which made them the left.
So now we have the middle on the left, and nobody in the middle.
So who’s on the right?
Oh just about everybody, these days.